Drawing in undesirable relationship experiences is actually your Soul calling you to heal your relationship with yourself, first. These patterns are presenting for you to heal your past and resolve outgrown beliefs and behavioral dynamics. For example: Looking for others to “complete us”, is a setup for failure. We will just continue to be a vacuum of neediness. When we learn to meet our own needs, a relationship becomes the icing on the cake, instead of the oven to bake it in.
Here is our roadmap: What goes on inside of us, is projected onto the world outside of us. If we are hard on ourselves in our internal dialogue, we will draw overly critical people to us. If we have victim programs running in our subconscious, we will draw in narcissists, abusers, opportunists, and cons. The same is true if we have codependency issues, (an addiction to rescuing or taking care of others to feel safe, or good about ourselves). If we have worthiness issues, our unworthiness will always be in-our-face. Feeling unloveable, or a belief that love is not available to you will manifest as "drawing in unavailable partners", or "no partner at all". The list goes on and on.
When we cultivate the right relationship with self, all other relationships flow in-kind. So, how do you develop a better relationship with yourself? Fall in love with yourself. When you fall in love with another, it's because you have sought and discovered things you admire, value, respect, and appreciate about them. When you fall in love with yourself, others will too.
1) Start with your internal dialogue. Would you say the things you say to yourself, to a small child or to an adult whose feelings your value? Look in your eyes in a mirror and record your thoughts. Can you say “I love you”, without crying or looking away? Commit to only engaging in loving, nurturing, uplifting, encouraging self-talk. If you catch yourself being hard on you, don’t be condemning. Make it a game instead. Put a quarter or a dollar in a jar for each lapse. Find a way to reward yourself for each loving thought. A powerful resource for mastering your self-talk and self-love is, “You Can Heal Your Life”, by Louise Hay.
2) Keep a “Self-Appreciation Journal”, or a “Self-Love Journal”. You can even create a document on your computer for this. Everyday record 5 things that you appreciate about you. If you’re having trouble with this, ask a trusted friend or family member what they appreciate about you. Think about what you appreciate about others and see if you can apply those to you. Often, we put people on a pedestal for the qualities they possess, when in actuality, they are just aspects of self we have disowned or are unaware of. Your goal is to begin to connect with and get to know yourself through self-exploration and self-reflection.
Find new things every day. To assist you, take some time to explore in writing how far you have come in your life. What have you overcome despite all odds? What are you proud of yourself for? How have you surprised yourself or others? What meaningful contributions have you made in your life? What is the most meaningful contribution you desire to make in your life? What is your greatest accomplishment? How did it make you feel? What is your next one going to be?
3) Clear trapped emotions & release traumas and outmoded belief systems from your body, mind & spirit. If we avoid our pain or aspects of self we have disowned, they will continue to show up, in-our-face, to heal them. The more you clear, the clearer you will become and you will no longer be reacting to old or hidden wounds. Using an exercise called, “Integrating Wisdom Gained”, that I developed, is a lightning-fast, and effective method. Tapping, Rapid Eye Technology, Breathwork, The Body Code, Rolfing, etc. are other effective, alternative modalities to try.
4) Invest in you. What were your hopes, dreams, goals, and visions as a child or teenager? Have you gone on to actualize any of them? If not, start now. Invest in you, whether it be a hobby, a completed degree, a new career, or a destination. Maybe it is time to move to a place you have always wanted to live and start fresh. Be bold and the forces of The Universe will rise up to meet you.
5) Get a make-over. A new hairstyle, a wardrobe update, or hire a personal trainer, anything that would breathe life into you feeling good about you.
6) Tie up loose ends. Complete projects. Clear clutter (letting go of things from the past that no longer serve you). Keep your word to yourself. Start small and build momentum. With each accomplishment, you will feel better and better about yourself. You will begin to trust yourself and you will feel more stable moving forward.
7) Play in the fields of “What would it be like?”. What would it be like to be in a relationship with your perfect match? What would you do together? (sports, activities, travel, hobbies, projects, etc.) What would you like to create together? Where would you go? What pet names would you love them to call you? Create a list of qualities and preferences you would like your mate to possess. You can go as general or as detailed as you like. This list is just as much about getting to know you, as it is about what you prefer in a mate. You want to discover what really matters to you. What would make your heart sing in a relationship? How do you want to be treated? What are your deal breakers? What things would they say that would make you feel attractive, loved, safe, or valued? What is your love language?
8) Finally, let your newfound love and appreciation of self, radiate from you. Take pride in your appearance. Hold your head up. Stand up straight instead of slouching over protecting your heart. Look people in the eyes and smile. Say hi to someone and make their day. People are drawn to people who are politely warm, friendly and nice to others.
Remember, it is darkest before dawn. Don’t give up on love. Just remember that it begins with you.
If I can facilitate your journey in any way, please give me a call! I would love to help you open your Heart to you, which in turn will open the floodgates for you to begin to receive all that you desire.