His Side of Things: Arthur on "Questioning & Reassurance"

 

Since men like to silently process “their stuff,” and women like to “talk things out,” this dynamic often leads some women to appear (at least to men) as if they crave conflict and drama, while getting a kick out starting fights. Why? Because women are cerebral thinkers and any lack of communication (a.k.a. reassurance) from the guy often sparks the fuse of insecurity.

 

So, to make the pangs of insecurity fade away, women have a tendency to test men with innocent questions. However, there is nothing innocent about the questions they ask. In fact, these “damn-if-you-do,” “damn-if-you-don’t” off handed remarks are designed specifically to make the guy fail. 

 

If you think I’m kidding, here are some of the most common traps that women set: 

 

1.  Do you love me? When a women asks this, what she really wants to know is, “Is this relationship going to end up in marriage or am I just wasting my time?” Men basically forget that women look at dating and marriage much like a businesses, and if she’s going to invest and not get any sort of return, she has no further use for the relationship. The only response that a woman is looking for to this question is, “Of course I do. You are the perfect woman. I love being around you.”

 

2. What are you attracted to, my brains or my body? What she’s actually asking is, “Did you only hook up with me just because of my looks?” If the guy answers that it was her intelligence and bubbly personality that initially got his attention, she’ll come back with, “Oh, so you think I’m ugly?” The only real response for this question is, “You know what’s so great about you, honey? You’re the perfect combination of beauty and brains. Everything about you turns me on.” 

 

3. Do you think I’m fat? (a.k.a Do I look fat in this dress?) What the woman’s actually asking is, “Do you still think I’m sexually attractive, even though I haven’t seen the inside of a gym in five years?” This is difficult because, in most cases, she already knows she’s put on weight – otherwise she would not have even asked in the first place. Secondly, she wants the guy to lie, even thought she told him the day before that he is never to lie to her. So the only response can be: The guy looks at her shocked that she would even ask such a question and says, “You’re the most beautiful woman I know.” 

 

4. If you could sleep with one of my friends, which one would it be? Okay, this is the let’s test the guy’s loyalty trap. While the guy wants to run, the only response a woman wants to hear is, “I’ve never thought of any of your friends that way, besides you’re so beautiful I wouldn’t want to sleep with anyone else.”

 

5. How many women have you slept with? What’s really going through a woman’s mind when she asks “innocent” questions like this are: “How could you possibly have had sex with anyone other than me?” “Do you still think about these women?” “Were they better sexual partners than I am?” The only answer she wants to hear is, “You know what? Since I met you, no one else matters.”

 

So the moral of the story: These are just a sampling of the many “innocent” questions women ask men. If you find that you are about to ask a guy something along these lines, don’t. Stop yourself. Basically you don’t want the guy to feel guilty and lie, just like you really don’t want to hear his answer. If you find yourself feeling insecure about the relationship, rationally talk about the relationship and your concerns. However, if he cannot give you an answer at that moment, understand he needs to walk away and process. Only then can he give you a true and honest answer.