There is an erroneous assumption that all relationships are based on love. The reality is that not all of them are. Some are based on fear.
Anxiety about being alone, or even being single, can be a powerful driver. It can be powerful enough to distort reality. Illusions become the new normal. A peculiar kind of blindness twists all the horrors of a relationship into something bearable. The intolerable becomes tolerable. What could not be accepted is now justified, even defended. All of the pain is perceived as being preferable to being alone.
Anxiety can also turn off selectivity. Criteria, expectations, and wants are significantly altered. The bar is not set high, but low. Anyone who shows interest is now acceptable. There is no discernment. As long as someone shows a hint of a romantic interest, that person is suitable as a boyfriend or girlfriend, even a potential spouse.
The Fast Track to Love
Desperation is notoriously impatient. Wants, desires, and needs come first. Everything else is put on hold, including common sense and reason. The rush to be with someone is so urgent that time is seen as an enemy. Getting to know a person, and figuring out their wants, needs, desires and overall compatibility is not a priority. Love must be on a fast track.
The problem with moving so rapidly is that strangers wind up together with nothing in common. People that know virtually nothing about each other share intimacy on a physical level, but no other. Emotions and urges are at a fevered pitch. For a while, this can work. Passion and romance can sustain a relationship. However, it is not the glue that holds people together for prolonged periods.
Is it Love? Passion Vs. Reality
Once the rush of love is past, reality rears its formidable head. This is when the real “knowing” arrives. This is when you start to acquire factual information about the other person. Suddenly, assumptions are revealed to be just “assumptions.” The mythical ideal person that passion created is giving way to a person with faults and weaknesses. The differences between what you want to see versus what is real can be jolting.
The romantic, but problematic, idea of love, at first sight, is built on instant gratification. It does not take into consideration that attachment without knowledge of another can equal difficulty, pain, and loss. Love in isolation has never been an effective problem solver. Strong emotions are weak tools in evaluating a decent long-term companion. Minus reason, insight, and logic, things can fall apart, quickly.
Is The Fear of Being Alone Driving Your Love?
The notion that equates being alone with being lonely is false. Being single is often viewed as failing or inadequate. The reality is that being single does not mean you are not desirable. When we see relationships as the only path to fulfillment, we may rush into relationships that are destructive out of the fear of being single, or alone. At this point, we are not basing our relationships on love. Instead, they are fear-based, and fear can be a destructive emotion.
You Can Be Single and Happy!
If you're struggling with this idea, or can't seem to find a way to make it work for you, let's talk about it. There are proven alternative ways to approach relationships that are healthy and work! You don't have to remain lonely, frustrated, or in a relationship that is less than you truly deserve. I can help you see alternatives for something better.