Preventing Self-Sabotaging Behavior to Create Your Dream Life by Psychic Judy

Have you ever felt like you were on a Merry-Go-Round ride going round and round and getting off at the same spot in different relationships in your life like your marriage, friendships, dating, coworkers, boss, and family members? You may even be telling yourself I'm not having a relationship with this person ever again, yet you seem to let yourself become a revolving door allowing them just one more chance, yet it turns into a pattern that never ends. Well let's do something about that together and discuss some helpful ways to bring it to an end.

How To Get Out Of Your Own Way – Healing the Inner Child

Let's start with a look at your inner child, we all have one and for sure it can cause events in our life to continue in a circular motion, seeming like we just cannot break patterns with many different relationships in our life. Our inner child can recollect experiences that are both good and bad and affect the choices we make in relationships in the present moment. This is why it is so important to get to know your inner child very well.

Healing the inner child is one of the most profound ways to put an end to unhealthy patterns to rest in any relationship. If you know your inner child was lacking something, a great exercise is to practice giving your inner child what it wants by doing just that yourself. Let’s say your parents were always telling you any of the following: “you’re stupid,” “stop crying, you’re a baby,” “what’s wrong with you,” or “you’re never going to amount to anything.” Your inner child may be repeating this to yourself all day without you even being completely conscious of it all the time. A great way to heal this is as soon as you realize that this is your inner dialogue, is to make an effective change immediately to the words you are telling yourself. Use new words like “you are so smart,” “it’s ok to cry,” “I am perfect just the way I am,” and “I’m going to do great things and accomplish my heart’s desires.”  

Self-Sabotage and Abandonment Issues

Another example of your inner child showing up in relationships may be that you experienced a lot of abandonment, or maybe you were without a comforting parent. Your parents may not have had the ability to address you emotionally, respectfully, lovingly, or in a nurturing way. As an adult you may choose self-sabotaging relationships that have the same un-nurturing tendencies. This can be a very normal choice for someone that has had this experience as a child, you may be conscious or subconscious of it, but it is happening repeatedly. The best way to end the self-sabotaging behavior is to become conscious of it so you can stop the cycle, create healthy relationships, and put a stop to non-emotionally available connections with the people around you. It's normally not something that happens overnight but when you first realize it that's when you will begin to get a good grip on changing the patterns of continues spiral events in the relationships around you. It is also a great opportunity to give your inner child everything it deserves that it never received. So have fun spoiling your inner child and healing it at the same time.

Creating Healthy Boundaries in Self-Sabotaging Relationships

Creating healthy boundaries is one of the largest issues around repeated events of unhealthy and self-sabotaging relationships. Sometimes it's extremely helpful to keep a list of boundaries you want to keep in relationships around you. Keep a running list and put them in your own personal journal (or in a notes app on your phone) for safe keeping. The list may look something like this:

• Saying no when I feel it’s important.
• Respecting myself even if I must disappoint another person.
• Staying true to my own identity.
• Allowing help when I need it.
• Allowing myself my own personal space.
• Letting people know when I feel disappointed in something they have done to me.

Look at your boundary list daily to remind yourself of what they are before you start your day. I promise you will see just how effective this is right away. You also may need to reflect on what you have first written in your boundary list from time to time and make any effective changes to it. This tip is important because we have new relationships that enter our life every day and sometimes we need different boundaries for different people. You should always be sure the boundaries you have created are serving your highest good, as well as creating healthy relationship dynamics.

Be prepared for some people to challenge you as not all people like it when you create new boundaries with them, especially if they have been able to get away with doing something with you for a long time. You may even find that you will have to change your availability around the amount of time you spend with them for a while because of the difficulty they have with the boundaries you have created. In some cases, you may have to decide to end a relationship because the person is being unreasonable with you and continuously not respecting your boundaries.

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging and Emotions

Emotions can play a big part when it comes to stopping the cycle of repeated unhealthy, self-sabotaging relationships as well. Emotions can range from anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, and extreme rage. Do you make big decisions when you are emotionally triggered? An example of this may be a time when you have not fully healed from a past relationship, where you may have been cheated on, lied to, abused, or disrespected. In your present relationships you may have a mixture of emotions that are from the past and need to be fully processed. If you do, it may be helpful for you to take a step back when emotions are running high.

Try not to respond right away, take a deep breath, and give yourself some time to process what you are feeling and then address the person you are having difficulty with. Most times when emotions are high on both sides of the relationship, words can come out as a direct attack on each other rather than what a person really wants to communicate in the moment. You will find yourself just attacking each other or using a rambling voice with ineffective communication. I promise you will be much more effective and have a powerful outcome that will create the loving, caring, and successful communication you are looking to have if you just step back and evaluate the emotions you are having.

Subconscious Self-Sabotaging – Your Ego and Pride

What about your ego and pride, do you have it in check? Many relationships are damaged because we are not aware of how much we are allowing our ego or pride to run the relationships around us. Often, we can get confused with our pride and our ego and it takes over and creates a view of our self being superior to others, non-loving, or even toxic. Sometimes we have so much pride and ego it can get in the way of receiving the love we deserve. Perhaps you have had to tow the road a lot on your own throughout your life and when someone offers to do something for you out of love, you have so much pride that you block them from showing you a kind, caring, and loving gesture. Examples of this can be as simple as someone willing to help you take your coat off or share some of their food with you. Right away you may say, “No, I can do it myself.”

Another example of this self-sabotaging behavior may be when a person is willing to extend themselves to you when you are not feeling well. They may offer to bring you some hot soup or go to the store for you and you tell them, “No, it’s OK, I will manage.” Letting someone do something kind for you can not only make you feel better at times, but it also truly makes the other person feel wonderful that they can be helpful and can bring the relationship closer. Remind yourself to let go of your pride and your ego and the protection you have around your heart. Open yourself up to be a bit more vulnerable to someone’s good deeds and you will see that it is just what you both need to bring the relationship to a closer level and create a lasting connection. This may take time for some of us because we are so used to being on one end or the other of the giving or the taking, but it will for sure make for a lasting heartfelt relationship. 

Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round of Self-Sabotage

Now that you have done the hard work, just wait and see the difference you make in all your different relationships. It may take some time to see the results, or it could happen immediately, but for sure you will get results. Make it a positive experience as much as you can and most of all be patient because you will also certainly see a big change in yourself as you continue being mindful, open-minded, and awakened. Your journey ahead will feel much more peaceful and pleasant. You will finally feel like you have gotten off the Merry-Go-Round ride of toxic, unhealthy, self-sabotaging relationships and have healthier enjoyable relationship connections instead.