His Side of Things: Arthur on "Why men put up walls"

Lynette has noticed that John has been distant. She knows things at work have not been easy and he’s got the IRS breathing down his neck, but still, she feels that’s no excuse for ignoring her. After a friend brutally warns her, “If he’s shut you out, then you know he’s interested in someone else. He’s got you playing the fool.” Panicked, Lynette starts going through all of John’s social media contacts looking for any new females. When she doesn’t find any she corners John. When she says how much she loves him, but he doesn’t respond, she continues:  “Okay, I’ve had enough! What’s going on? What’s her name?” John has no idea what she’s talking about. He reminds her about his work issues and tax problems, but she’s not buying it. She continues telling him how he’s cold, adding: “Do you know how you make me feel? How can you do this to me?” Unhinged, John gives up and tells her: “Look, believe what you want. I told you the truth, but at this point, we’re done.”

Okay, here’s what just happened.

Many men equate their lives, how they feel and “who they are” with their jobs, career, money, success, and even the car they drive. Now, if one of these goes out of whack the guy shuts down. He doesn’t like himself or his life.

In most cases the guy then puts up an emotional wall, but it’s not for the reason most woman think. Many women will approach their man with what they believe to be support and unconditional love when they sense there is distance. However, instead of getting the loving response they’re expecting, they find themselves walking into “a wall,” which usually ends in an ugly argument. Why? The woman feels hurt, rejected and ignored, which leads her to believe the guy’s not interested in her anymore. And if he’s not interested, then there must be another woman. Which is not necessarily the case.

Guys are basically taught that they’re supposed to be the knight in shining armor, the conquering hero. If a guy feels like he’s falling off his horse (i.e. career, work, and/or money issues) the emotional wall goes up because he doesn’t want the woman walking in and seeing him as a loser. Period.

Also, if the guy doesn’t like and/or love himself, he’s not capable of liking and/or loving anyone else at that moment. When someone attempts of come forward, he’s thinking: “If I don’t like me, no one else can like me. I have to be right. Go away!”

Call it his “man cave” or whatever you like, but only the guy can get himself out of it. While Lynette tried to communicate her feelings  - from love to anger to resentment - John retreats further and walks away.

So, the moral of the story: If a guy is putting up a wall, ask him what’s going on and believe what he tells you, and then just give him his space. He will see you as loving and understanding. He’ll end up being around you more.